


I Am Not the Angel You Think I Am

by ephemerality



Category: Owari no Seraph, seraph of the end
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Guren fathering Mika, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 05:25:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4864715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemerality/pseuds/ephemerality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In that moment, Mika understands exactly why Yuu-chan calls Guren "Dad".</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Not the Angel You Think I Am

**Author's Note:**

> I was prompted on [tumblr](http://obsessivemarrish.tumblr.com/) by [artificialmaiden](http://artificialmaiden.tumblr.com//) to write Mikayuu: angel!Mika and demon!Yuu. So here it is.

He swings his sword at the Four Horseman of John and misses again. He wants to scream, and there’s no one around to hear him, so he does. He doesn’t recognize his own voice. This shouldn’t be a problem. He’s done this hundreds of times before. Why is it so hard today?  
You know why, the little voice in his head whispers, and rather than think about it, he whirls around and swings again, this time killing it, and sheathes his sword, his chest heaving. Because he does know. He knows exactly what’s wrong him, what’s been wrong with him, for the past six days, 17 hours, 22 minutes and 39 seconds. What he doesn’t know is how to fix it. He’s not sure he can.  
That’s the worst part. The not knowing. He’s so full of questions, like what and how and why but most importantly how could he do this to me?  
He wants to go back, demand an explanation, but he knows he won’t get one. Already the humans are spreading lies, threatening everyone to secrecy, because God forbid their little experiment should go sideways, and if it does, then they’ll move heaven and earth to cover it up. Already they’re shifting blame, and he knows they’ll find some way to blame him for this, if only because of what he is. He knows Yuu-chan won’t believe them.  
He hopes Yuu-chan won’t believe them.  
But he can’t be sure anymore. Not after what Yuu-chan did, not after what those humans and their experiments, that demon in his sword, made him do. He never thought a time would come when he couldn’t trust his Yuu-chan anymore. But the humans have twisted him, to the point where Mika can’t even recognize him, especially that night. His hand still aches from punching that pink-haired punk, because he won’t let it heal, because he needs to feel something in this numbness. His heart is still lying on the ground where Yuu-chan ripped it out and threw it away, and he doesn’t want it back. Mika’s heart is Yuu-chan’s to destroy.  
The worst part is, he doesn’t even know who to be mad at. He doesn’t even know if he has the right to be mad at all. He doesn’t feel mad. He feels empty. Should he be angry at Yuu-chan for taking advantage of Kimizuki, or Kimizuki for...well, being there?  
No. He could never be mad at Yuu-chan, or hate him, no matter how much he might want to.  
He almost feels bad for punching Kimizuki. In retrospect, the poor kid really hadn’t done anything. It had been Yuu-chan who had taken advantage of Kimizuki, not the other way around. The humans have an excuse, of course. They have an excuse for everything. They blamed it all on the drugs they were giving Yuu-chan, without his knowledge or consent, the drugs that caused him to merge more closely with his demon. And Mika had tried to blame her, but he couldn’t, because dammit he liked Asumara. She had never lied or tried to hide who she was, and he respects that. He wishes he had the courage to be like that.  
So instead he blames himself, because if only he had paid more attention to Yuu-chan, if only he hadn’t been so wrapped up in himself, he would’ve noticed that something was wrong, and then none of this would’ve even happened. He wants to be there right now, with Yuu-chan, but according to Yoichi, he’ll be in a coma for the next seven days, and for some reason, Mika trusts Yoichi. He’d planned to stay anyway, until Yuu-chan woke up, but then Kimizuki had come. “To explain,” he’d said, but Mika didn’t want an explanation. But Yoichi had been there, quiet and supportive to both of them, so Mika had sat through the apology.  
“I know the way you feel about Yuu,” Kimizuki had said. “And I don’t like him that way, I barely like him as a person, let alone romantically. I was trying to get him off me when you showed up. I didn’t jump him, I swear.” And on and on and on he went. He made it sound like Yuu-chan’s fault.  
And Mika just couldn’t believe that.  
So he’d punched Kimizuki. Yelled some things he’s sure were meant to be hurtful, but that he can’t even remember now. Stormed out of the room, the hospital, the city. Because to him Yuu-chan had always been this higher being, this beautiful, perfect angel who could do no wrong, who made Mika feel like he was human again. And Kimizuki was making him sound like a demon.  
Come to think of it, Kimizuki hadn’t punched him back, hadn’t stopped him or contradicted anything he’d said, and neither had Yoichi. They had listened in silence as he raved about how good Yuu-chan was and how he could never do something like that. Mika was pretty sure he’d been crying at that point, but neither one of them had mentioned it. Not like vampires. Any one of the vampires he’d lived with would’ve taken every opportunity to tease and mock him mercilessly.  
He wants to laugh at how naive he’d been. He tries to, but it comes out as a broken sob, and suddenly he’s on his knees, bawling like a child, wishing that he could have his heart back but at the same time wanting Yuu-chan to keep it. He can’t breathe, and he almost doesn’t want to. Behind him, he hears footsteps, and instinct kicks in. He stands and draws his sword, in one fluid motion, turning to slice the head off who or whatever had come to bother him this time, only to stop short and stare.  
Guren stares back at him, and his eyes hold a sadness that Mika knows all too well. But he doesn’t empathize with this man, this supposed father figure to Yuu-chan, who had cause all of this with his experiments, this man who manages to look calm, even with Mika’s sword pointed at his throat. And for some reason this infuriates Mika, who is still half-sobbing, still struggling to breathe properly, and he’s about to swing again when Guren reaches up and gently pushes the blade aside. He pulls Mika into his arms, holding him the way the director at the Hyakuya orphanage used to when he had nightmares, and he is so shocked that he drops his sword. It clatters to the ground, the sound ringing in his ears, and he is torn between pulling away and seeking comfort in the man that saved Yuu-chan.  
Yuu-chan.  
He tries to stop crying, he really does, but his body betrays him and his knees buckle and he crumples into Guren, who stumbles before sinking to the ground, still holding Mika. His hands curl into Guren's shirt, not a military uniform but a faded blue T-shirt that smells like pine and cedar, and when Guren rubs his back and holds him tighter, he allows himself to imagine another life where he had escaped with Yuu-chan, and Guren had raised them both, another life where this kind of comfort was always available, because this is what a father should be like. He thinks for a second that this is ridiculous, and he must have said it out loud, because Guren laughs softly, and gently presses his lips to the top of Mika's head, and Mika gets this warm feeling, like it really will be okay, like a father's comfort.  
But this isn't another life. And Guren is not his father.  
Mika tries to push the man away, but he doesn't really want Guren to leave, and they both know it. Guren holds him tighter, humming softly, an old lullaby Mika can't quite place. It's soothing, and he buries his face in Guren's chest, because he doesn't know what else to do. He's tired, he's so tired, and he just wants someone to tell him what to do, how to fix this, and he needs help but he doesn't know how to ask for it, so he just cries and tries to remember a time when it didn't hurt so much just to exist.  
He's not sure how long they sit there, but at some point the sun starts to set, and his sobs start to die down, and Guren never says a word. He just sits there, humming, offering a silent comfort that Mika's never had before. His breathing is finally normal now, and feels like he should pull back, like it would be the smart thing to do, but he doesn't feel particularly smart right now, so instead he clutches tighter, and Guren seems to understand.  
"I know you love him."  
Mika freezes, but Guren keeps going.  
"Yuu. I know you love him. And I know he loves you."  
Not the way I want.  
Mika starts to pull back, regretting ever seeking comfort from this man, but Guren holds him and continues. "I can see it, you know. Everyone can. The other day a blind man asked me if you two were together."  
He wants to say something, anything, but he doesn't know what. He loves you. Is that possible? Could it really be true?  
Yuu-chan's – no the demon's – laughter from that night rings in his head, the sheer cruelty of it bringing fresh tears to his eyes. It was like he was playing with them, like he jumped Kimizuki to make Mika jealous, and it was working. He feels another sob building up in his throat, and tries to push it back. It had been like Yuu-chan hadn't been there at all.  
"I don't understand," he whispers to faded blue fabric. "How could he have lost like that? You can't just lose to a demon like that. Especially not Yuu-chan. What did Asumara say to him? What did you do to him? How could any of you ever want to hurt him like that?"  
Guren presses his cheek to the top of Mika's head, and it feels wet with tears. Guren is crying? Mika has the sudden urge to comfort him, followed immediately by the urge to smack him. How dare he shed tears for Yuu-chan, after everything he did?  
"I'm sorry."  
He's sorry.  
Part of Mika, the vindictive part, wants to say, that's not good enough. Because it isn't. An apology is not going to fix this.  
But the rest of him, the parts that sought comfort in a father figure, the part that loves Guren because Yuu-chan loves him, has something else in mind. And that's the part that wins. Because this is the man that saved the love of Mika's life, and raised him, and maybe he's not as bad as Mika thinks he is. So he takes a chance.  
Slowly, he pulls away. This time, Guren lets him. His face is streaked with tears, and Mika wonders if maybe Guren's been crying with him this whole time and he just didn't notice. The thought is both comforting and unnerving. He's never seen Guren as anything but an authoritative jerk, and ironically, an adult version of Yuu-chan. Maybe that's why he does it.  
"I'm sorry," Mika whispers, and when Guren starts to shake his head he says it again. "I'm sorry. I know you don't want to see him hurt either."  
Guren looks startled, then smiles sadly. "You're as bad as Yuu," he says. "I came here to tell you he's awake and asking for you, and got a front row seat to the drama instead."  
Mika laughs in spite of himself. Guren is already back to his usual self. The older man smiles again, then stands, taking a deep breath and rubbing his arm over his face. He holds out a hand to Mika, who stares at it for a second before taking it.  
"Why-"  
"Ah-ah-ah." Guren holds up a finger like he's scolding a child, though the tear stains on his face ruin the image. "Don't ask why, because I'm not gonna tell you. Just accept that you're Yuu's family, which makes you my family, no matter what you are, and shut up."  
Mika feels that familiar burn behind his eyes. Oh, not again. He glances downward and starts to make some excuse, but then Guren reaches out and tilts his chin up, and gently wipes the tears off his face. Mika looks at him, really looks at him, and sees all the things he'd wished his father could be.  
He has always longed for this. He doesn't deserve it. But he wants it. Oh, he wants it.  
“I can’t change what I am,” he whispers.  
“No,” says Guren. “That’s why I’m here.”  
And then he turns and walks away. Mika sees him scrub at the tear streaks on his face. “Come on, Blondie, keep up!”  
In that moment, Mika understands exactly why Yuu-chan calls Guren “Dad”.  
The walk back to town is silent but comfortable. It’s the hospital that’s difficult. Guren walks him all the way to Yuu-chan’s room, gives him a tiny reassuring smile, and goes to join the rest of Shinoa squad in the cafeteria.  
Mika takes a deep breath and opens the door.  
Yuu-chan is laying on the bed, in a gray shirt and pants, facing away from the door. “Go ‘way,” he mutters into his pillow.  
“You aren’t going to say welcome back?” Mika asks, and Yuu-chan shoots upright, his expression full of unhappiness. He looks like he’d been crying, and when he sees Mika he starts twisting the hem of his shirt in his hands, biting his lip, not looking at him, like he doesn’t know what to say, and it’s so unlike Yuu-chan that Mika can’t take it.  
He closes the door behind him and pulls off his cloak, crossing the room and laying it on the chair in the corner, along with his sword, jacket and boots, leaving him barefoot in a black shirt and pants, and heads to the bed. “Scoot over,” he says, and a very startled Yuu-chan scoots.  
Mika lies down on the bed, pulling Yuu-chan down with him. Yuu-chan curls into him, laying his head on Mika’s chest and throwing a leg over his.  
“I’m sorry,” Yuu-chan whispers into Mika’s shirt. He can feel Yuu-chan’s tears on his shirt, and Mika’s heart breaks. He runs his hand through Yuu-chan’s hair.  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Mika says, and he means it.  
“But-“  
“Shh.” Mika rubs Yuu-chan’s back soothingly. “It’s not your fault, and I’m not mad.” As he says it, he realizes it’s true. He could never be mad at Yuu-chan. It’s the humans’ fault, he thinks. They’ll pay for making his Yuu-chan feel like this.  
Yuu-chan clutches Mika’s shirt tightly, and Mika sits up, wrapping his arms around Yuu-chan’s thin waist, pulling him up too. Green eyes stare at him, wide and filled with tears, and he’s so beautiful that Mika’s chest aches. He drops his forehead against Yuu-chan’s and closes his eyes, all too aware of the fact that Yuu-chan is practically in his lap. “Please don’t cry, Yuu-chan. I don’t blame you. So, there’s really no reason to be upset, okay?”  
Yuu-chan lets go of Mika’s shirt, and Mika feels warm hands on his face. Soft lips press against his cheek, and his eyes fly open in shock. He can feel silky black strands brushing against his skin, and his whole world stops spinning, narrows down to this moment in time, with these butterflies and all the places where Yuu-chan touches him, and he thinks that this beautiful boy will be the death of him.  
“I made you upset,” Yuu-chan whispers to Mika’s skin. “And I never want you to be upset, ever, so I’m sorry.”  
Mika shakes his head, ever so slightly. This side of Yuu-chan is so incredibly rare that he’s afraid to move at all, or he might scare him off. “I’m only upset that you’re upset, Yuu-chan.”  
Yuu-chan moves a little, brushing his lips against Mika’s cheekbone, his warm breath smelling of berry-scented medicine. Mika stays perfectly still, not daring to move. Yuu-chan kisses the corner of his mouth, moving slowly, turning it into a real kiss, and Mika can taste the salty tears on his lips. He gasps, eyes fluttering shut.  
Yuu-chan pulls back hurriedly. “Sorry,” he whispers, his face flushed a gorgeous shade of red. He starts to move away. Mika pulls him back, into his lap, cupping Yuu-chan’s face in his hands, and kisses him, reveling in Yuu-chan’s sharp intake of breath, the feel of strong yet careful hands winding through his hair, hesitant lips moving against his own. Somehow Yuu-chan ends up straddling his lap, legs crossed behind Mika’s back. He’d meant to be comforting, not taking advantage of Yuu-chan, but the boy in his lap seems to like where he is. Well, if this is the kind of comfort Yuu-chan wants, Mika’s not about to object.  
Somewhere in the background he hears a sharp gasp, feminine, and Yuu-chan pulls back to look at the door, where a nurse is standing, her hands on her hips and a disapproving look on her face.  
“Yuuichirou! You’re supposed to be resting!”  
Yuu-chan’s face is on fire and Mika impulsively kisses his cheek, laughing to himself as Yuu-chan’s blush spreads along his neckline. Yuu-chan isn’t crying anymore, and he considers that a win. The nurse’s frown softens. She reaches into a cart behind her, produces a glass of water and some pills, and heads over to the bed. Mika frowns. “What are those?”  
“Nutrition supplements,” she says, not unkindly. “He’s been out for a week, and these will help him get back to normal.” She hands them to Yuu-chan, who swallows the pills obediently, and then leans into Mika, laying his head in the crook of Mika’s neck.  
Mika manages a smile for the nurse. “Thank you.”  
She nods briskly. “Don’t overdo it, Yuuichirou. I won’t have you falling back into a coma again.” She leaves, closing the door behind her.  
Yuu-chan uncrosses his legs from behind Mika’s back, shifting to a more comfortable position as they lay down again. Mika kisses the top of his head, and Yuu-chan snuggles closer into him, closing his eyes.  
“Mika?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Please don’t leave me again.” Yuu-chan’s voice is so small, and Mika’s heart breaks, but this time it’s okay, because he knows Yuu-chan will put it back together.  
“Never,” he whispers into soft black locks. I love you, he wants to say. “You mean too much to me,” he says instead.  
“My angel,” Yuu-chan whispers with a smile, and Mika doesn’t comment.


End file.
